Defeating Big Brother by Getting Him to Kill Himself (or, You wanna spy on me? Spy on THIS!)
Too much speculation about the end of the world revolves around humanity's doom being involuntary. Common prophecies of the End Times predict a natural disaster, supernatural power, invading aliens, attacking armies or plague forcing destruction upon us.
I tend to side more with T.S. Eliot. The end comes not with a bang, but a whimper. (Link.) In fact, I'll see Eliot's timid Apocalypse and raise it. I say the end doesn't just come softly, but with a smile, and instead of catching us as we run, we all stroll toward it willingly.
I'm an optimist.
This vision of gleefully marching to our doom came to me when Reality TV first emerged. Though Reality TV initially seemed just a way for networks to suck power from writer's unions, I often wonder, in the paranoid fever that is my default mental state, if Reality TV was also designed as a way to make the presence of cameras so-called "cool." Allegedly unscripted, allegedly live filming of vacant idiots doing nothing seemed a clever plan to get kids used to the idea of being spied upon all the time.
"I can do nothing too! So why not cameras on me? OMG! I'm famous! So kewl!"
I remember a time when security cameras were a source of agitation. People were much more vocal with their annoyance about being watched. Many felt like Big Brother was just looking for an excuse to come down on them. Now you can't go anywhere urban without being spied on, probably anywhere period.
So as Reality TV has flourished, it seems Big Brother is winning. Rather than the nightmare vision of 1984 where every move was tracked against a person's will, we are all signing up for Facebook, MySpace, just begging for ways to send our private thoughts and feelings out there for anyone to see.
Big Brother didn't have to do a thing. But maybe he should have. It seems His Bigness didn't heed the warning: Be careful what you wish for.
There are several methods of conflict that revolve around information overload. Whether it's a filibuster, a denial-of-service attack, endless theories and/or lame jokes about the JFK assassination, or everyone claiming to be Spartacus, in the end, the truth is obscured under a mountain of data.
So what ended up happening was, as Big Brother moved in, humanity took up the challenge. "Oh yeah? You wanna spy on me? Spy on this! Check out these 600 identical pictures of my kid riding a tricycle! Read every detail of my thoughts on this particular TV show. Learn the status of my morning coffee, how my toes feel AND whether or not I like the snow! That enough data for ya?! 'Cause that's just for starters!"
I can see Big Brother, in his corporate telecom boardroom, reduced to tears. "I just want the info on how you're disobeying me. I don't want all this inane crap. Overload! Overload!"
Of course, BB will have his systems to comb through the data, but why not annoy the crap out of him with every minute detail of our lives?
Some people have worried that the internet would drain our humanity. I totally disagree. The internet is a humanity amplifier. We're each all of our personalities to the nth.
So the next time some TV show is showing vacant idiots doing nothing, don't just change the channel. Thank them for their efforts to clog up Big Brother's internet tubes, then change the channel.
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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.
Mother Nature versus Human Nature
Following any huge snowstorm, two things are predictable. One, the media will remind you not to go anywhere (like you could under a couple feet of snow.) Two, many people will seriously claim to have found startling new evidence that global warming doesn't exist. This new discovery called "ice" apparently eluded scientists for several centuries, but now that it's been found, well, just forget all that climate change talk.
Okay, that's enough mocking of climate change deniers. We should show compassion. Deniers aren't just drones suddenly claiming to be scientific geniuses because they worship a talking head funded by the invisible hand of industry. They're people, too. And they're hurting.
Just like a denier bringing scientific consensus to a halt with a single ice cube, I can prove it. Ever since the world-wide discussion on the problem of climate change began, the denial movement has transitioned exactly through the five stages of grief:
1. Denial (There's no climate change happening!)
2. Anger (Climate change is a liberal myth!)
3. Bargaining (Okay, maybe it's real, but we can't address it now.)
4. Depression (A global consensus of scientists say it's real? Crap, I might have to get off the couch.)
5. Acceptance (Okay, fine! Wait! If there's nothing we can do about it, why get off the couch?)
Notice how the Acceptance phase transitions seamlessly into rationalization: I'll accept climate change exists IF YOU PROMISE to tell me the situation is hopeless. This is a primal response at the core of human nature and the source of a climate change denier's pain. We all instinctively know that acknowledging a problem means there will probably be some kind of work involved afterwards.
Being humans, all sides of the debate see the it's-hopeless-so-do-nothing angle as a tempting offer, so our minds move in quickly to close the sale: Is climate change really that bad? If the roof is still standing and the house isn't on fire and American Idol is still on, can we honestly say there is a problem? Heck! Climate change might even work in our favor. If the earth heats up and the sea rises, that increases the chance that you'll own beachfront property. Why not roll the dice? Maybe during the scrambling of the earth's climate zones, the band of scorching temperatures at the equator will widen, and the Caribbean will come to you.
Surfing while on the couch! Literally!
The climate change denial dynamic reminds me of veteran home-owning couples. If you are one, this exchange will sound familiar: Look, there's a hole in the wall. It's not that bad. Fix it! No! If you don't fix it, I'm not going to your dumb movie. Aw, but it's a Saturday! All right, I'll fix it. Wait, why not think of it as a free window?
When discussing climate change, we're not just fighting knee-jerk contrarians and considering fair questions from independent thinkers, we're struggling against human nature itself. That's a double bummer because even if stopping the effects of global warming is impossible, just by trying to clean up the environment, we'd accomplish lots of good. Surely there are worse fates.
Human nature's work here is almost done. Having successfully rationalized us away from any effort, or acknowledgment of error, it's time to apply the finishing move that concludes all human activity: the spin. So here we go: When it comes to global warming, we're not fiddling while Rome burns, we're just not afraid of change!
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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.
Hey Religious Extremists, Why is Your god Such a Wimp? (or, A Male’s Guide to the Impending Lesbian Apocalypse)
I've never understood the common usage of the word macho.
To be clear, I'm referring to the dictionary definition (ultimate masculinity) and not the informal one popularized by The Village People (ultimate gayness.) The word macho is intended to define the pinnacle of tough, but it ends up representing supreme insecurity.
Understanding that contradiction, it's clear that extreme religion is precisely macho. Because I live west of the Prime Meridian, extremist Muslim behavior is more easily noticed, since Islamic tradition isn't intertwined with our culture and considered a part of just how things are. Examples of Islamic macho/insecurity may be more obvious to us Westerners, but anyone who opens their mind even slightly will notice there is little if any difference among Christianity, Islam and Judaism in the extreme.
At their distant ends, all three focus their restrictions on women. When it comes to the religious fringe, it's all dudes all the time. Yet these are the same people who are also violently homophobic.
Another paradox, yes, and it gets worse. Even the gods of extremism reflect the bi-polar nature of macho. A classic example is when the Taliban claimed they had to destroy Buddhist statues in Afghanistan because the statues were just too much for the mighty Allah to gaze upon. (Link.)
Now I'm just a mortal, but I'm proud of the fact that I'm secure enough not to demand my friends blow up anyone who doesn't worship me. Hey, that's their loss!
So here's my question for religious extremists: If your god is such a badass, why does he need mortals like you to fight his battles? Why is your god scared of statues? Or cartoons? Or same-sex love and marriage? Or women thinking, saying and doing what they want?
Silly extremists! Either your faith in your god's power is lacking or your god is a total wimp.
Actually, we all know the real reason for macho's split-personality, why men (and male-like gods) talk tough but act fragile. I'll break the rules and say it out loud: Because females have all the power. They can do anything a male can except make sperm.
That's not to say I would complain if the world was taken over by women and we men were used simply for sperm harvesting. To the more sultry and flexible of our female conquerors, I say harvest away! Sadly, with advances in reproductive technology, even sperm isn't necessary.
A lot of reports and studies appear to support the idea that extremism is on the rise. How much is being fueled by insecure men, aware of their accelerating (or already present) obsolescence? I swear it's only a matter of time before lesbians take over. Name me a single lesbian that isn't damn good at what she does. You can't do it! That's right, men. We are biologically useless! Accept it! Or make a fool of yourself by acting macho.
One who works against the efforts of power-hungry people of their same "race" are often referred to as race traitors. So, being a male who admits to male pointlessness, does that make me a sex traitor?
I hope so, because frankly, I'm down with that. Oh wait, I thought you said trader. Dang it.
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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.
What Would Martin Do?
It began with the earthquake in Haiti (Jan. 12.) Then Pat Robertson told a bizarre fiction that blamed the suffering of the quake’s victims on the victims themselves (Jan. 13.) Over those insipid comments, I flew into a rage which sustained itself until today, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day (Jan. 18.)
As usual, on this day, I wanted to say a few words about how much I respect Dr. King. I couldn't help but wonder how King would handle the cruel comments of Mr. Robertson. King was an advocate of ignoring critics as much as reasonably possible (See the opening paragraph of Letter from a Birmingham Jail) but still, I needed him for guidance.
It is clear that Mr. Robertson did not (and does not) give any consideration of the clever Christian guidance question, What Would Jesus Do? Then again, if honoring Dr. King was so important to me, why didn’t I give any thought to What Would Martin Do?
I mean, chances are pretty good that King never referred to someone he disliked as a "douche bag asshole," and that was among the more mild of my critiques of Robertson lately.
If I want to communicate that Dr. King has inspired me, then I need to show it. So my tribute to Dr. King this year is to slip into his shoes, imitate as flattery, select him as my avatar. Dr. King sought to inspire and so he did. He made me realize my rage at Pat Robertson was far less productive than a challenging examination of ourselves in the wake of the disaster in Haiti.
I don’t want to be Dr. King. I don’t want to think about what words he would say. I want to write the words that he inspired me to say. I can think of no greater compliment.
So, here we go, some thoughts on the Haiti quake. Inspiration by Dr. King, perspiration by Mr. Nocella.
Ahem.
We’ve all seen the pictures coming out of Haiti. We’ve heard the terrible stories, and in addition to the horrors, what's most disturbing is that they look so familiar. We've been here before. Another region teeming with poor, left by man to teeter on the brink of destruction, has been stricken by nature, completing its final push into the abyss.
No one will fault us for what we cannot control. While this disaster cannot be blamed entirely on poverty, its magnitude can. Imagine the quake striking a suburban American neighborhood equipped with well-worn roads, telecommunications, radios, sturdy housing, food distribution centers. The devastation would be greatly reduced.
With each disaster, the might of our electronic networks is brought to bear. At least financially, humanity is able to respond to need faster than ever before. Of course that's going to feel inadequate. Even if we were on the ground, handing out food and water, that would be inadequate. The dead are gone and nothing anyone can do will bring them back.
So we cannot stop here, proud of our ability to move money en masse to relief efforts, or we will forever be working on cure and neglecting much more effective prevention.
As Haiti staggers back from chaos to its mere edge, let's not allow fate to decide the next focus of our concern, let's focus ourselves. Let's note what other areas in the world are poor and prone to natural disaster. Let's go there next, giving and assisting the poor in establishing themselves a viable infrastructure before the inevitable strike of nature's wrath.
Imagine that in turn, those people assist us with the next region. On and on until there is not a single corner of the world that is ill-equipped to endure the lashing our mother earth always inevitably delivers.
You might call that impossible. It might be impossible, but when the task is caring for our fellow man, we cannot let the odds of our success limit the soaring ambition of our noble dreams.
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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.
Your Resolution for the New Decade
New Year's Resolutions often follow three steps. A person comes up with a goal. They assign themselves that goal. The goal is adhered to for the coming year or (more likely) dropped before the year ends.
I'd like to rework the whole thing. I'll design a goal and have others help me, and by others I mean all of humanity. Lastly, instead of for the coming year, our challenge will span the entire coming decade.
So it brings me great pleasure to announce that as we transition from the roaring zeroes (200x) to the swingin' ones (201x) I will be assigning all of humanity a new decade's resolution.
All right, already! If you've read this far, you're okay with my being pompous (I prefer the term BOLD) enough to give a decade long homework assignment to all of humanity. You're getting sick of the pointless verbosity (What is this? A James Joyce novel?) and just want to know what the hell the resolution actually is so you can get busy working on it, or get busy laughing at me. Okay. Here it comes.
Adapt.
That's it? One word? You could have been reading World Net Daily's tabloidian eVomit and I give you one stinkin' word? Well, packed into that one word is a lot of suggestion, so I'll elaborate.
Here's what I want to happen: I want humanity to stop approaching the inevitable changes, surprises and revelations of life with fear, hatred and anger. Instead, I want everyone to approach those events with curiosity, enthusiasm and love. Can a brotha get a witness for the Serenity prayer?
Yes, "adapt" is rather general and I'm not a conservative teabagger, which means my ideas don't reside solely in a world of abstract labels, oblivious to what they mean in the real world. So I'll get specific about two of the many items that led me to suggest this assignment. Our assignment. I refer to The Kindle and The Gays.
The Kindle
The most obvious source of scary change today is technology. Advancements in gadgetry and medical tech come faster and faster. Before Windows has fully slowed down your computer, a new version is available to slow it down in cool and innovative ways.
As a writer, the recent 'thing I could not change' (as the Serenity prayer would say) was the advent of eReaders and eBooks. I'm often asked, 'Hey writer stud, are you scared about the impact that eBooks will have on writing?'
I was at first, until I realized that someone still needs to write the books, whether they are delivered on paper or on a screen. In fact, a strong argument can be made that eReaders are good for authors. They provide wireless on-demand bookstores, which means fewer barriers between hearing about a cool new writer (like this guy) and having an opportunity to buy his or her work.
Sure, there will be problems with piracy, and that could render the standard business model of book publishing (sell zillions of copies) obsolete, but the technology is not going away. The publishing business will have to come up with another structure for supporting itself. In a word, adapt.
Xbox Live had an interesting solution to the piracy problem: banning the systems on which it detected pirated software. (Story here.) Perhaps Amazon could imitate that for The Kindle. Upon detection of a pirated book, it shuts down your Kindle, or auto-downloads romance novels until it fills up. That'll learn ya! So yes, the details need to be hashed out, but the bottom line is, the technology is here, it's near, get used to it. Speaking of...
The Gays
What's another phenomenon of recent human history that reminds us our species needs better adaptive skills? The stampede of gays coming out of the closet, followed by the counter-stampede of ignorami who want to shove them back in.
Apparently what consenting adults do behind closed doors is of utmost concern to some. Of them I ask, 'Can you find something better to do than worry about who is getting naked with whom?'
It's entirely probable (almost certain) that over the last week, some people living near to us all have had a different sex partner every night, penetrated every orifice on their person with every appliance they own, and performed all kinds of other sexual stunts with other consenting adult(s) of the same or different sex. Somehow, this has failed to open up a fiery chasm beneath our feet.
Some people act as if gays 'decided' to be gay with the sole purpose of throwing a wrench into several 2,000-plus-years-old mythologies. Wrong! What happened was those worldviews were revealed as inaccurate. It's nothing to get upset about. Try adapting.
The Conclusion
There are many other things to which our New Decade's Resolution applies. For example, religion totally needs a makeover. That shit has jumped the shark more than Tiger Woods has jumped hotties.
So the world isn't like you thought it was. All of reality hasn't bent to your every assumption. The way you envisioned the world is off from the way the world really is. There's no need for alarm, hatred, or anger. It's a cause for celebration. It means you're learning.
So that's what I mean when I say adapt. Accept that your worldview is incomplete and have the right attitude when you find another gap. Just don't automatically reach for the hate button, okay?
I've got a bottle of champagne on ice for New Year's Eve 2019. We'll see how we did then. Happy New Decade!
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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.
Discovery by Denial: Boy Meets Xbox. Boy Loses Xbox. Boy Gets New Perspective.
As I type this, the morning birds are singing a song and the sun is smiling. I'm waiting for UPS to deliver my repaired Xbox. Every car that whooshes by pauses this writing. Wait! No, that whoosh is too big. Damn fire truck. Wait! No, that whoosh is too small. Damn hybrid hippies! Wait! Wait! Ah, crap. The neighbor got a FedEx delivery. Fate, you naughty tease!
It's been an interesting few weeks waiting for my beloved Xbox to come home. When old 'exy was around, I would play for... well, a lot. More than a pseudo-adult should. The old man inside me weeps. All that time I spend in front of the Xbox I could be yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off my lawn. (Sing: The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon…)
So I played Xbox a lot until one tragic day, I couldn't play at all. Please, don't cry. I've already done that enough for both of us.
People who aren't addicted to something often say to those who are, "Why don't you just stop?" Naïve fools. They aren't under the spell of something so much fun it can lead you smiling to your ruin. Suckers!
If stopping were as easy as just stopping, we addicts would. We would notice our world crumbling around us. If stopping was that easy, humanity might not even need the word addiction, and we would have a serious problem powering the economy.
But addicts can't stop. Here's time-lapsed internal dialogue that I suspect everyone has had regarding their own addiction(s): "Don't. Don't do that. You shouldn't do that. You know you shouldn't do that. You really don't want to do that. You're going to regret doing that. Oh no, you're doing it. You did it. You shouldn't have done that. Oh well, it's done now. Next time you'll do better."
You know how science says if you touch a hot pan, your hand pulls back before your mind tells it to? Like before you realize you're watching Fox News, you're already stupid? I submit that addiction resides in that zone between reflex and awareness. You get so used to the pleasure your addiction brings and you do it so much, you push it into the no-thought zone of reflex. When feeding your addiction, you don't even notice what you're doing.
It might not even be as fun as it used to be, since the conscious mind doesn't know it's happening. Then again, if you were aware, you might be plagued with guilt. Awareness can be such a buzz kill.
Sometimes though, you're forced into quitting: your drug dealer gets thrown in jail. The distributor runs out of beer. The store sells out of cigarettes. Or your Xbox breaks. Aside: if all of those ever happen to me at the same time, I'm dead.
It's not just addiction. Altering any habit is an eye-opening experience. I never knew there were so many awesome types of food until I went vegan. Suddenly, I couldn't eat the same old food. Blinking, I staggered out of my comfort zone and found a whole new world. (Sing: A whole new world!)
While my baby (ahem, my Xbox) was gone, I learned that there's a lot that goes on in the world when I'm wasting n00bz in Halo 3. None of it is as much fun, but it's still impressive how much you can get done in an evening when 99% of it isn't taken up crushing a preteen's dreams of digital victory.
So for a really unique trip, try challenging your habits. Fight your addiction. Your world will never be the same. It's a special kind of high and one you can be sure you will come down from.
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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.
The Bitch Slap Jesus Weight Loss Plan
Recently the doc said I needed to lose weight. It sucks because exercise is boring and eating is fun. I like to have my cake and eat it too. On the couch.
So, using my exercise bike, I started workin' out. (Leaving off the G makes sweating while going nowhere sound much cooler.) Immediately, I developed a deep respect for hamsters. Those guys work out for its own sake. They don't get bored or lazy. They run in that wheel and just don't care. If they ever get a hold of steroids, they're taking over. Or joining the Yankees.
To spice things up in the workout room, I started watching Netflix. Adding an element of couch potato to the routine did the trick! I've lost 20 pounds so far. Gnaw on that, hamster bitches!
I considered selling the rights to my success story and calling it The Netflix Weight Loss Plan. I dreamed of being a Netflix spokesmodel, like that dude Jared for Subway. I know I could do better. Jared? Please. Promoting weight-loss by advertising a place to eat defeats the purpose.
But my dreams faded quickly. Even with Netflix, exercise got boring, and I had to spice things up again. So I got a heavy punching bag. I stand in as one for my wife and I wondered what she enjoyed about it so much.
On the same day I got the bag, the Netflix elf delivered The Passion of The Christ: a movie of torture porn for people who want to censor porn. Hostel for holy rollers. Watching it you would think all Christ did his whole life was get his ass kicked. I could have sworn he said some things about peace and love, but the movie conveniently ignores that, just like most Christians!
So while I'm watching the movie and hitting the bag, I have a sickening revelation: if there is a hell, I'm definitely going. Not for being an atheist or that misunderstanding with the old lady, the cucumber and the duct tape. No, I'm going to hell for simulating punching out Jesus.
I'm ducking and weaving like Mike Tyson's arthritic albino brother and when I hit the bag, the son of God screams in pain on the TV. Left jab! Jesus cries, "Ow!" Right cross! Jesus screams, "Arrgh!" Then Satan cackles, "Get him a body bag!"
Suppose I'm wrong about atheism and when I die, I'm called to account for all my sins. Good thing we have eternity. What will be my excuse on Judgment Day? I'm going to stick with a winner, the "It's the way God made me" defense.
Your honor, I mean, God, look, I'm sorry I kicked your son's ass in a virtual way, but it's not my fault. You see God, it's the way You made me. I'm descended from Italians. All those ancient Roman dudes who whipped Jesus as part of your martyrdom publicity stunt? I'm related to them! It's in my DNA to bitch slap the son of God. Put a dog near a bone, a cat near a bird, Rush Limbaugh near some painkillers (or a pie) and what do you expect? Nature, nature that You created I might add, takes its course.
Really, God. If you think about this objectively, it's your own fault. Put an Italian in the vicinity of Christ, Christ is gonna get beat. Now where's my 27 virgins?
Wish me luck!
Speaking of all this, isn't having the Vatican in Italy like having the Pearl Harbor memorial in Japan? While you're at it, why not give Iraqi civilians a Dick Cheney bobble-head doll?
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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.
The Flea Market Curse: Karma in Action
Karma knows no mercy.
Like any force of nature, there is no reasoning with it. Karma acts upon you and you can't fight it or make it let up any more than you can beg gravity to cut you a break when you're about to fall on your ass.
Many times I've witnessed karmic punishment bearing down on people, and even though they fully deserve it, a tiny part of my soft heart feels sorry for them. I would make a horrible cop. "You say this is the first time you've ever done drugs? Well, okay then, but next time, I mean it, you're going to be in big trouble!"
I began this rambling meditation on karma while I was sitting at a flea market, failing to rid myself of my junk, wondering what I had done to deserve such mind-crushing boredom. I didn't care how much money I made, all I wanted was to move the stuff on to someone else and delay its ultimate destiny in a landfill, helping pollute our planet.
The whole flea market experience was painful. Preparing my wares for sale was a total drag. I had to pack everything up neatly, load it into the car then unload it onto the grass. Then I had to sit there and wait. And wait. I suppose I could have just left the junk there, but that would be irresponsible. I had created the demand, I wanted to complete the cycle and feed back into the supply.
After several hours of wasting a beautiful day, barely anything sold, and then it was time to pack up all the crap, stuff it in the car and unload it back into my house where it takes up room, doing nothing to this very moment.
Personified karma was laughing in my face! "You wanted this stuff, sucka! Here you go! Enjoy! Take more! Now you can't get rid of it! Mwaa ha ha!" Karma is apparently passive-aggressive and sounds vaguely like a gangsta rapper.
But I meant no harm! Did I really deserve karma's wrath just because I went through a Pez-dispenser collection phase? Or thought a Fitness Flyer really was a deal too good to be true? Or was impressed with the many uses of the Snuggie? Those damn infomercial people seemed so happy, I had to join in. Yet the happiness wore off quickly and all I want now is to get rid of these things, but no one wants them! So they take up space and linger. Woe to me!
I wonder if there would be any environmental problems if we were all damned by The Flea Market Curse.
The good news is, we are. The bad news is we live like we aren't. Most people throw stuff in the trash and never question how it miraculously vanishes. Meanwhile, a landfill nearby is reaching capacity, polluting their drinking water, sending back karmic retribution in a chain of events so obscure no one could possibly trace them all. Then when our water and/or land is polluted we cry, "Why has god (or fate) done this to us?" We never dare to consider blaming ourselves, even in part. None dare call it karma.
The Flea Market Curse teaches us to think in reverse. Want to stop hazardous input? Prevent output. Want to make people buy less junk? Forbid them to throw out what they buy. Want people to use less water? Let their drainage run only once a week. Want people to use less gas? Reroute exhaust pipes into the car. Want them to stop eating so much? Sew their buttholes shut. And so on.
Too extreme? Maybe, but it's all food for thought. Better we brainstorm now rather than later, because no one escapes karma.
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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.
The Lifeboat-less Cruise Ship (a Climate Change fable)
Today, October 15, 2009 is Blog Action Day 2009. The topic is Climate Change. My entry follows.
Suppose you're on a luxury cruise ship (with no lifeboats) a thousand miles from anywhere.
While you're sipping your martini and sunbathing, an announcement blares over the loudspeaker. "This is your captain speaking. We've got a leak in the ship. We're all going to drown unless we get to the bottom deck and start hauling out the water as fast as it comes in. We need everyone's help!"
Being a sane, smart, non-suicidal person, you race to help, screaming for everyone else to do the same. On the way, you pass a batch of people still sunbathing. "Didn't you hear the captain?" you ask, liberally sprinkling your question with profanities too vile for this family-friendly blog.
They laugh at you. "That captain is full of crap. This ship isn't sinking."
What would you do? You could call them more vile profanities, but they are essential to your survival, so you'd want to use every manner of persuasion to get their help. You could kick them overboard so the ship had less to hold up, but that would waste time, which, according to the captain, is running out.
That's the challenge of Climate Change as allegory. Let's extract the meaning.
The captain represents the expert scientists who tell everyone there is a problem. You (starring as yourself) being sane, smart and non-suicidal, conclude the captain is an expert and knows what he's talking about. After all, you trust him to pilot the ship while you sleep, get drunk, watch bad dinner theater and marinate your privates in a hot tub alongside complete strangers and their privates. You're living every day with a trust that the skipper knows his stuff. It would be absurd to suddenly doubt his ability to judge the vessel's seaworthiness.
The arrogant deniers in the story represent, well, arrogant deniers.
I know, I know. We should respect others' opinions, but science isn't a question of preference or taste. Acknowledging Climate Change is a matter of everyone believing the experts that they rely on for everything else in their lives (scientists) from car safety to medicine to food production to whether or not a container labeled "microwave-safe" really is, on and on and on.
Can we please give scientists priority on matters of science?
Back in the day, I read science magazines a lot. I still do, though not as much. Back then (and now) all the science magazines spoke about global warming as a fact. The popular news didn't speak of it a peep. That changed when Al Gore hit the scene with An Inconvenient Truth and raised the alarm on Climate Change. Suddenly all the political (non-scientist) opponents of Mr. Gore, who have never ever discussed science in any depth, are speaking like Doctorates of Meteorology, claiming with absolute certainty that Climate Change is a hoax. I believe their dislike (or jealousy) of Al Gore has clouded their judgment.
This is what is so terrifying about Climate Change. We need everyone's participation to reverse, slow or mitigate its effects, but some people just can't stand the fact that Al Gore was the messenger. That's one psychological breakdown of Climate Change denial, but there are alternate explanations.
For example, the denial might be rooted in a disconnection with the earth and a lack of understanding of its connectedness. It's hard for short-sighted people who have never poked their heads beyond the confines of their own asses to worry about Climate Change. So what if an iceberg melts? They say. It doesn't affect my water supply. Who cares if honeybees die? I can always just go the store and get food.
Wouldn't it be great if someone wrote a book about this Earth-ignorant psychosis and titled it Where Did This Come From?
Whatever the reason for the denial, we need to overpower it. We all must appreciate the planet's fragility and act to protect it. Sadly, chucking deniers off the planet isn't possible, and we could use their help confronting global warming meaningfully.
Deniers, if Climate Change doesn't (at least to your perception) directly affect you now, it will. Look at it this way: if the planet floods and the atmosphere cooks, you won't be able to claim the moon landing was a hoax, or that Obama was born in Kenya, or that putting profit above health is a splendid idea, or hate liberal tree-huggers like me. You won't be able to do jack, because we'll all be dead. So can't we agree on this ONE thing, please? You can still hate me, just PLEASE stop denying Climate Change and work toward eliminating it with what you eat, what you drive and who you vote for.
That might go down in history as the most bizarre sales pitch ever, but in keeping with our nautical theme, I say "any port in a storm" because we need "all hands on deck."
A cruise ship without lifeboats may seem strange or contrived for the point of the fable, but I disagree. It's a perfect description for our one and only planet.
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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.
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