The War on Christmas Douche Bags

Why does this time of year heighten everyone’s douche bag potential?

I’ll never forget this lady I used to work with, who found Christmas to be the most beautiful thing in the world. And since only a certain amount of people could take off at Christmas, she used every trick from a Shakespearean tragedy (lying, threats, manipulation) to make sure she had those days off. It was all very un-Christmas-like behavior, just for a week of baking cookies.

And I don’t need to mention the psychos at the mall. Just walk by a parking spot near the building and a car is sure to pull up. I call them vultures. This can be fun at times if you cut across the rows: watch them speed around to the other side. Then you double-back. See if you can beat my record of making a vulture drive three loops.

I’ve got a theory that the holidays during this time of year evolved in human culture to buck everybody up because the constant darkness is damn depressing. That explains the emphasis on light and joy and birth, etc. As for December 25 being the big date, I think ancient astronomers were shooting for the winter solstice around December 22 – but they missed by a hair.

Concerning everyone’s increased douche bag potential, again I blame the darkness. Our primal brain’s instinct sector is freaking out, going into vicious survival mode, thinking the end of the world is near.

Anyway, to the present. Radio drive time today: same old whining, about Christmas iconography being removed because someone doesn’t celebrate Christmas. Any such fuss is often spun as bowing to political correctness. I think a more realistic spin on it is that minorities are finally asserting themselves. They’re finally saying “Look, if you can put up your symbol, let us put up ours.”

Non-Christian school kids shouldn’t have to go to a class that focuses on a crucifix. The usual, uncreative answer to that concern? Take it all down, no one celebrates anything. In the face of diversity, why not accommodate all traditions? Instead of, “no one can celebrate,” how about, “ok, let’s all celebrate.” Let the kids discuss their traditions and show the others. How cool would that be?

There is no war on Christmas. Only douche bags think that. What's really going on is people are standing up for their own beliefs. So, put your nativity scene on the town hall lawn, but get ready to accommodate my atheist year end celebration! Happy Holidays to all! Even you, douche bags!


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Larry Nocella is the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? Visit his website at www.LarryNocella.com.