Don’t you go hate when you think something sucks and everyone else loves it? I'm sure it's happened to you: some item of culture (a movie, TV show, book, band, etc.) achieves massive popularity, your friends rave, critics drool, but when you finally check it out, you’re severely unimpressed. In fact, you think it stinks.

Then the paranoia begins. You start wondering if there is something wrong with everyone. Or if they’re all playing a joke on you. Maybe you worry about yourself. Now you know how those stock characters in conspiracy movies feel when they're carted away screaming, “I'm not crazy! You're all the crazy ones!”

I've been in this situation more often than I like, and sometimes I've wished there was an objective way to prove something sucks. Not that a suck-o-meter device would change anything, but it would at least provide some vindication, or prove that I am crazy. I'm so convinced that the award-winning movie Gladiator sucked, that it would make a suck-o-meter's needle redline and the glass on the display crack.

Unfortunately, there is no objectivity in opinion. The only way to get impartial is with numbers. Five will always be greater than four, but you can't say in a way that everyone will agree that Gladiator sucked and Spartacus: Blood and Sand rules. However, if I can express my opinion in numbers, maybe I can make a point.

So let's consider a different case. I've searched for years for what it is about Saturday Night Live that makes people think it's worth watching, because I just don't get it. I've concluded its longevity is due mostly to its time slot and tradition, because it sure can't be the alleged comedy. When I've been forced to watch it by people who insist it's funny, I notice even they don't laugh, but that late on a Saturday night, when most people are more than halfway intoxicated, what else is on besides infomercials?

While sometimes funny, it’s objective fact that SNL pushes a joke to its breaking point and beyond. Prove it? No problem. Comedy rotates around threes. In any joke the first two guys who enter a bar set up the base. The third guy triggers the punchline. On SNL, a joke setup takes at least seven steps before the punchline finally breaks. If a guy says a silly phrase that's mildly funny, he’ll say it at least twenty times. All of these numbers are way beyond the required limits that natural selection has determined are necessary for the generation of comedy. Okay, that sounded a little nerdy but whatever! It still proves SNL beats dead horses, then beats the dry bones, then beats the bones' pulverized dust before moving on to the next skit. It's a fact.

"Oh, whatever," you say, "You snob. We still like it." Sure, you're welcome to, but that's why I don't: the repetition. I find myself yelling at the screen: "Okay! I got it!" You can like SNL or not, but you can't argue numbers.

Case two. I'm trying to explore why anyone would enjoy the novel that has lately dominated the bestseller lists: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson. I have a several reasons for not liking this book, but I'll express it in numbers. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo doesn't get moving, that is, it doesn't create any intense conflict, until around 75% of the way through. Until then, it's all tell and no show about a financial reporter. Yawn.

Imagine a two hour movie that didn't get interesting until 90 minutes (75%) in. Would you watch the whole thing? Fortunately, the movie The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo achieved the rare feat of being better than the book. How? Because the movie got right into the action.

Why? Why? Why? What is it about this book? I could understand if it hit the bestseller list and bounced down. But why has it hit and stayed? Is it the momentum of fame? Are strong, smart and capable women characters (Salander in the book) so rare that the presence of one is enough to prop it up?

I don't know, but I swear, I'm not crazy!

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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Amazon Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.

The toughest decision facing a blogger is whether or not to follow the pack. Do I join in the larger conversations that everyone is talking about or do I set out on my own and start a new discussion?

New thread or reply? That's the eternal question.

If I go "new thread" then chances are my independent thought will get buried under the weight of a million contributions of 2 cents to trendy topics. If I go "reply" then I'm susceptible to media herding (as in idiotic stories like Balloon Boy) or worse, my agenda is set by Moron Central (Sarah Palin's latest Facebook post.)

I usually favor setting out on my own because I'd rather be independent and obscure rather than one of a million counter-knee-jerks to a knee-jerk. That's one reason why I'm often behind the times. The other reason is I'm lazy.

They say opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. But sometimes, if all the discussion around a popular issue fails to cover my angle, I feel it my sacred duty to expose the world to my very special and unique asshole.

So let me boldly crowd-surf into a once hot but now cooling topic: Dr. Laura saying the N-word several times. The funniest part? She claimed she didn't mean to hurt anyone.

That's a surprising claim from one who portrays herself as a doctor-level adviser on human relations. Apologies are good, so I'll award her a point for that, but I'm wondering what analogy would be necessary to describe how silly her retraction is? Can one even exist? Let's review: she said the most hurtful word in the English language several times and then said she didn't want to hurt anyone.

That's like shooting someone and then being surprised when they scream in pain. Or running them over and when they yell, complaining that they're yelling. Then telling them they shouldn't be hurt.

So Dr. Laura's outburst sparked another conversation about race. I tend to avoid such discussions because they all follow the same path. They either fade away into a "gosh, people are people" kind of conclusion, or they simply fade away.

Before that, discussions about racial discrimination break down this way: Whitey says "Oh it's not that bad" and black people say "Yes it is." I have to side with my African-American brothers and sisters here, because frankly, when it comes to the N-word, how would Whitey know what it's like to be called something that isn't intended to demean him?

For me, it comes down to a simple request from my fellow human. After all the descendants of the original African slaves have endured, they have but one nearly unanimous request: "Let us, if we choose, use the N-word. But if you are not a descendant of African slaves, don't use that word yourself."

That's it. No call for financial reparations. No call for making a Public Enemy tune the National Anthem. No required viewing of yet another Tyler Perry transvestite-based flick. No changing the red, white and blue, to black, green and red. African-Americans' ancestors were kidnapped, sold, beaten, murdered. Their financial age has been stalled.  Their persecution carries on to this day in genteel and not-so-genteel forms (see Breitbart-Sherrod story) and their most consistent request of us crackas is don't use the N-word?

Done.

I'm a writer. Words mean a lot to me and they have a power. Censorship is my arch enemy, but I can agree to removing one word from my lexicon. I don't need any one word (except maybe "fuck.") There are ample words in which to convey your hatred of another person. For example, assuming Dr. Laura was African-descended, I could call her the n-word, but why? Why not call her an idiot? A moron? A dunderhead? Those all fit much better and address her behavior, which she can control, and not her skin-color or ancestry, which she cannot.

p.s. Dr. Laura Schlesinger is not to be confused with Dr. Linda Schlongslinger from the super-awesome zine eXtreme Conformity.

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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.

No one likes to be predictable. They like to be interesting and surprising. The most predictable thing in the world is that the instant you tell someone they are predictable, they will soon try to do something unpredictable. Perhaps as an extension of this common desire, I am a huge fan of the non-sequitur.

Grapes.

I love the unexpected, especially if it's harmless. Someone stumbling while walking behind a public speaker is funny, but a man in a chicken suit walking behind the speaker and then no one reacting, now that is super funny. At least it is to me.

Random events of the inane variety remind me that life can be a magical and ridiculous thing.

So many times we complain about the same old, we even have a bumper-sticker-ready and Facebook status-friendly saying for it: same shit different day. I know I'm not alone in my contempt for routine. We all enjoy a non-sequitur once in a while. It's why stupid internet videos are such sticky memes.

So I'm leading off with all these observations as background for my explanation. I want you to understand why I make ridiculous faces while driving.

Um, what?

It's like this. (For my non-existent readers in foreign lands, remember this story is told from America, where we drive on the right, and the driver is on the left of the vehicle.) Imagine a four-way intersection. If I come from the south, and another driver comes from the west, and I make a left, I will pass very close to them – driver-side against driver-side. (See helpful image included with this post.)

As my car comes around the front of theirs, I have often noted the dull expression on the waiting driver's face. Like a kinky Snow White, they appear to be right between grumpy and sleepy. (Feel free to use that one, The Colbert Report!) The stopped driver is clinging to the low-level concentration that waiting requires. It's at this point, as I pass before the captive viewer, that I will often make bizarre faces.

I offer this gift free of charge to my fellow human out of genuine good  intent. Random Acts of Kindness are cool, but I'm also a big believer in Simply Random Acts. Emphasis on simple, as in simpleton. As previously explained, it's all part of my war on routine.

My goal isn't necessarily to make the other driver laugh, though I believe that will happen as they are reminded of the joy life can be. I want to snap the bonds of routine, remind them that the odd, the surprising the disturbing, the fascinating, the inexplicable is always near. They may be thinking consciously, "What the heck is wrong with that weirdo?" but unconsciously, their mind is alive with possibilities.

Such is my hope.

So as always when you try to make the world a better place, someone or an internal voice, or the internal voice of someone reading your blog, scoffs at you: "You think that makes any difference?"

I once thought the same way. I've done this for some time and like most lost causes, it brought me pleasure, but I too began to feel it was all for nothing.

Until.

Until someone I know, who I did not recognize, was the recipient of my street theater. When she confronted me later, she had many questions, all of which can be summarized as: "What the hell is wrong with you?"

She looked at me with confused amusement. I was partly embarrassed but partly pleased. She was smiling as I explained. She said she couldn't tell if I was singing or arguing or angry or what, but she was smiling. Success!

What do I call this activity? Driving while strange? Rage against the routine? A flash mob of one? Street theater? Who knows? Great works often do escape definition.

===
Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.

Too much speculation about the end of the world revolves around humanity's doom being involuntary. Common prophecies of the End Times predict a natural disaster, supernatural power, invading aliens, attacking armies or plague forcing destruction upon us.

I tend to side more with T.S. Eliot. The end comes not with a bang, but a whimper. (Link.) In fact, I'll see Eliot's timid Apocalypse and raise it. I say the end doesn't just come softly, but with a smile, and instead of catching us as we run, we all stroll toward it willingly.

I'm an optimist.

This vision of gleefully marching to our doom came to me when Reality TV first emerged. Though Reality TV initially seemed just a way for networks to suck power from writer's unions, I often wonder, in the paranoid fever that is my default mental state, if Reality TV was also designed as a way to make the presence of cameras so-called "cool." Allegedly unscripted, allegedly live filming of vacant idiots doing nothing seemed a clever plan to get kids used to the idea of being spied upon all the time.

"I can do nothing too! So why not cameras on me? OMG! I'm famous! So kewl!"

I remember a time when security cameras were a source of agitation. People were much more vocal with their annoyance about being watched. Many felt like Big Brother was just looking for an excuse to come down on them. Now you can't go anywhere urban without being spied on, probably anywhere period.

So as Reality TV has flourished, it seems Big Brother is winning. Rather than the nightmare vision of 1984 where every move was tracked against a person's will, we are all signing up for Facebook, MySpace, just begging for ways to send our private thoughts and feelings out there for anyone to see.

Big Brother didn't have to do a thing. But maybe he should have. It seems His Bigness didn't heed the warning: Be careful what you wish for.

There are several methods of conflict that revolve around information overload. Whether it's a filibuster, a denial-of-service attack, endless theories and/or lame jokes about the JFK assassination, or everyone claiming to be Spartacus, in the end, the truth is obscured under a mountain of data.

So what ended up happening was, as Big Brother moved in, humanity took up the challenge. "Oh yeah? You wanna spy on me? Spy on this! Check out these 600 identical pictures of my kid riding a tricycle! Read every detail of my thoughts on this particular TV show. Learn the status of my morning coffee, how my toes feel AND whether or not I like the snow! That enough data for ya?! 'Cause that's just for starters!"

I can see Big Brother, in his corporate telecom boardroom, reduced to tears. "I just want the info on how you're disobeying me. I don't want all this inane crap. Overload! Overload!"

Of course, BB will have his systems to comb through the data, but why not annoy the crap out of him with every minute detail of our lives?

Some people have worried that the internet would drain our humanity. I totally disagree. The internet is a humanity amplifier. We're each all of our personalities to the nth.

So the next time some TV show is showing vacant idiots doing nothing, don't just change the channel. Thank them for their efforts to clog up Big Brother's internet tubes, then change the channel.

===
Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.

Following any huge snowstorm, two things are predictable. One, the media will remind you not to go anywhere (like you could under a couple feet of snow.) Two, many people will seriously claim to have found startling new evidence that global warming doesn't exist. This new discovery called "ice" apparently eluded scientists for several centuries, but now that it's been found, well, just forget all that climate change talk.

Okay, that's enough mocking of climate change deniers. We should show compassion. Deniers aren't just drones suddenly claiming to be scientific geniuses because they worship a talking head funded by the invisible hand of industry. They're people, too. And they're hurting.

Just like a denier bringing scientific consensus to a halt with a single ice cube, I can prove it. Ever since the world-wide discussion on the problem of climate change began, the denial movement has transitioned exactly through the five stages of grief:

1. Denial (There's no climate change happening!)
2. Anger (Climate change is a liberal myth!)
3. Bargaining (Okay, maybe it's real, but we can't address it now.)
4. Depression (A global consensus of scientists say it's real? Crap, I might have to get off the couch.)
5. Acceptance (Okay, fine! Wait! If there's nothing we can do about it, why get off the couch?)

Notice how the Acceptance phase transitions seamlessly into rationalization: I'll accept climate change exists IF YOU PROMISE to tell me the situation is hopeless. This is a primal response at the core of human nature and the source of a climate change denier's pain. We all instinctively know that acknowledging a problem means there will probably be some kind of work involved afterwards.

Being humans, all sides of the debate see the it's-hopeless-so-do-nothing angle as a tempting offer, so our minds move in quickly to close the sale: Is climate change really that bad? If the roof is still standing and the house isn't on fire and American Idol is still on, can we honestly say there is a problem? Heck! Climate change might even work in our favor. If the earth heats up and the sea rises, that increases the chance that you'll own beachfront property. Why not roll the dice? Maybe during the scrambling of the earth's climate zones, the band of scorching temperatures at the equator will widen, and the Caribbean will come to you.

Surfing while on the couch! Literally!

The climate change denial dynamic reminds me of veteran home-owning couples. If you are one, this exchange will sound familiar: Look, there's a hole in the wall. It's not that bad. Fix it! No! If you don't fix it, I'm not going to your dumb movie. Aw, but it's a Saturday! All right, I'll fix it. Wait, why not think of it as a free window?

When discussing climate change, we're not just fighting knee-jerk contrarians and considering fair questions from independent thinkers, we're struggling against human nature itself. That's a double bummer because even if stopping the effects of global warming is impossible, just by trying to clean up the environment, we'd accomplish lots of good. Surely there are worse fates.

Human nature's work here is almost done. Having successfully rationalized us away from any effort, or acknowledgment of error, it's time to apply the finishing move that concludes all human activity: the spin. So here we go: When it comes to global warming, we're not fiddling while Rome burns, we're just not afraid of change!

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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.

I've never understood the common usage of the word macho.

To be clear, I'm referring to the dictionary definition (ultimate masculinity) and not the informal one popularized by The Village People (ultimate gayness.) The word macho is intended to define the pinnacle of tough, but it ends up representing supreme insecurity.

Understanding that contradiction, it's clear that extreme religion is precisely macho. Because I live west of the Prime Meridian, extremist Muslim behavior is more easily noticed, since Islamic tradition isn't intertwined with our culture and considered a part of just how things are. Examples of Islamic macho/insecurity may be more obvious to us Westerners, but anyone who opens their mind even slightly will notice there is little if any difference among Christianity, Islam and Judaism in the extreme.

At their distant ends, all three focus their restrictions on women. When it comes to the religious fringe, it's all dudes all the time. Yet these are the same people who are also violently homophobic.

Another paradox, yes, and it gets worse. Even the gods of extremism reflect the bi-polar nature of macho. A classic example is when the Taliban claimed they had to destroy Buddhist statues in Afghanistan because the statues were just too much for the mighty Allah to gaze upon. (Link.)

Now I'm just a mortal, but I'm proud of the fact that I'm secure enough not to demand my friends blow up anyone who doesn't worship me. Hey, that's their loss!

So here's my question for religious extremists: If your god is such a badass, why does he need mortals like you to fight his battles? Why is your god scared of statues? Or cartoons? Or same-sex love and marriage? Or women thinking, saying and doing what they want?

Silly extremists! Either your faith in your god's power is lacking or your god is a total wimp.

Actually, we all know the real reason for macho's split-personality, why men (and male-like gods) talk tough but act fragile. I'll break the rules and say it out loud: Because females have all the power. They can do anything a male can except make sperm.

That's not to say I would complain if the world was taken over by women and we men were used simply for sperm harvesting. To the more sultry and flexible of our female conquerors, I say harvest away! Sadly, with advances in reproductive technology, even sperm isn't necessary.

A lot of reports and studies appear to support the idea that extremism is on the rise. How much is being fueled by insecure men, aware of their accelerating (or already present) obsolescence? I swear it's only a matter of time before lesbians take over. Name me a single lesbian that isn't damn good at what she does. You can't do it! That's right, men. We are biologically useless! Accept it! Or make a fool of yourself by acting macho.

One who works against the efforts of power-hungry people of their same "race" are often referred to as race traitors. So, being a male who admits to male pointlessness, does that make me a sex traitor?

I hope so, because frankly, I'm down with that. Oh wait, I thought you said trader. Dang it.

===
Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.

New Year's Resolutions often follow three steps. A person comes up with a goal. They assign themselves that goal. The goal is adhered to for the coming year or (more likely) dropped before the year ends.

I'd like to rework the whole thing. I'll design a goal and have others help me, and by others I mean all of humanity. Lastly, instead of for the coming year, our challenge will span the entire coming decade.

So it brings me great pleasure to announce that as we transition from the roaring zeroes (200x) to the swingin' ones (201x) I will be assigning all of humanity a new decade's resolution.

All right, already! If you've read this far, you're okay with my being pompous (I prefer the term BOLD) enough to give a decade long homework assignment to all of humanity. You're getting sick of the pointless verbosity (What is this? A James Joyce novel?) and just want to know what the hell the resolution actually is so you can get busy working on it, or get busy laughing at me. Okay. Here it comes.

Adapt.

That's it? One word? You could have been reading World Net Daily's tabloidian eVomit and I give you one stinkin' word? Well, packed into that one word is a lot of suggestion, so I'll elaborate.

Here's what I want to happen: I want humanity to stop approaching the inevitable changes, surprises and revelations of life with fear, hatred and anger. Instead, I want everyone to approach those events with curiosity, enthusiasm and love. Can a brotha get a witness for the Serenity prayer?

Yes, "adapt" is rather general and I'm not a conservative teabagger, which means my ideas don't reside solely in a world of abstract labels, oblivious to what they mean in the real world. So I'll get specific about two of the many items that led me to suggest this assignment. Our assignment. I refer to The Kindle and The Gays.

The Kindle

The most obvious source of scary change today is technology. Advancements in gadgetry and medical tech come faster and faster. Before Windows has fully slowed down your computer, a new version is available to slow it down in cool and innovative ways.

As a writer, the recent 'thing I could not change' (as the Serenity prayer would say) was the advent of eReaders and eBooks. I'm often asked, 'Hey writer stud, are you scared about the impact that eBooks will have on writing?'

I was at first, until I realized that someone still needs to write the books, whether they are delivered on paper or on a screen. In fact, a strong argument can be made that eReaders are good for authors. They provide wireless on-demand bookstores, which means fewer barriers between hearing about a cool new writer (like this guy) and having an opportunity to buy his or her work.

Sure, there will be problems with piracy, and that could render the standard business model of book publishing (sell zillions of copies) obsolete, but the technology is not going away. The publishing business will have to come up with another structure for supporting itself. In a word, adapt.

Xbox Live had an interesting solution to the piracy problem: banning the systems on which it detected pirated software. (Story here.) Perhaps Amazon could imitate that for The Kindle. Upon detection of a pirated book, it shuts down your Kindle, or auto-downloads romance novels until it fills up. That'll learn ya! So yes, the details need to be hashed out, but the bottom line is, the technology is here, it's near, get used to it. Speaking of...

The Gays

What's another phenomenon of recent human history that reminds us our species needs better adaptive skills? The stampede of gays coming out of the closet, followed by the counter-stampede of ignorami who want to shove them back in.

Apparently what consenting adults do behind closed doors is of utmost concern to some. Of them I ask, 'Can you find something better to do than worry about who is getting naked with whom?'

It's entirely probable (almost certain) that over the last week, some people living near to us all have had a different sex partner every night, penetrated every orifice on their person with every appliance they own, and performed all kinds of other sexual stunts with other consenting adult(s) of the same or different sex. Somehow, this has failed to open up a fiery chasm beneath our feet.

Some people act as if gays 'decided' to be gay with the sole purpose of throwing a wrench into several 2,000-plus-years-old mythologies. Wrong! What happened was those worldviews were revealed as inaccurate. It's nothing to get upset about. Try adapting.

The Conclusion

There are many other things to which our New Decade's Resolution applies. For example, religion totally needs a makeover. That shit has jumped the shark more than Tiger Woods has jumped hotties.

So the world isn't like you thought it was. All of reality hasn't bent to your every assumption. The way you envisioned the world is off from the way the world really is. There's no need for alarm, hatred, or anger. It's a cause for celebration. It means you're learning.

So that's what I mean when I say adapt. Accept that your worldview is incomplete and have the right attitude when you find another gap. Just don't automatically reach for the hate button, okay?

I've got a bottle of champagne on ice for New Year's Eve 2019. We'll see how we did then. Happy New Decade!

===
Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.

I hate those abstract questions that sometimes pop up in job interviews: If you could be a vegetable what one would you be? Sounds like something from an annoying Facebook poll. (Redundant, I know. All Facebook polls are annoying.) Sadly, one of those questions did manage to worm its way into my brain's busy schedule: If you could be a fictional character, who would you be?

My first impulse was to say Jesus. That would get me into trouble, one for claiming he was fictional and two, for claiming I could be anything like him. The problem as I see it? Jesus was only half god, so I'm over-qualified. Plus, as much as I like to make a point, I'm not willing to be tortured and die for it. Blogging is martyrdom for sissies.

So with Jesus out of the running, the question persisted. If I could be a fictional character, who would I be? I want to be James Bond's friend.

If you've seen one James Bond film, you've seen them all. The only thing that changes is how exotic (as compared to your average Englishman) is the babe who teams up with Bond. Will she be Near Eastern European or Far Eastern European? Or will they really mix it up and make her Latina? Or African-American? The JB writers must be nearing the end of their Encyclopaedia of Ethnic Hotties. You'll know the franchise has jumped the shark when he's banging an Eskimo named Fukluk.

Another Bond stock character is the poor woman I refer to as the "throwaway babe" for her sad predictable destiny. She's just a working English lass who realizes it's part of her job as a temp at Her Majesty's Secret Service to service James and immediately get murdered, so the audience can hate the bad guy even more and James doesn't have to run the risk of her turning into a stalker.

Bond confronted by all his ex-partners (assuming any of them lived) would make for an entertaining daytime talk-show marathon. Gadget your way out of that one, Bond!

Whether it's killing or fornicating, James never takes a break. He's a workaholic. M and Q are always getting annoyed at James, which is also a full time job. Seems like everyone has a tough job in the Bondiverse, except for James Bond's friend. Most of the time he doesn't even have a name, but he's the guy I want to be. He gets all the glamour with none of the work.

He's the one always chillin' at his estate on the Mediterranean coast, lounging in the sun among several smokin' hot babes who have no purpose other than to be smokin' hot babes. Actually they do have one other function: to leave the deck in a huff when I tell them to amscray so I can talk to my boy, JB.

Job responsibilities include hanging out with hotties, drinking fine wines, and spending five minutes every couple of years saying, "The guy with the eye patch went that way."

Sound easy? Hell yeah! But being JB's BFF is not without its occupational hazards. Sometimes the Bond movies really jazz up the formula and James Bond's friend gets killed (in addition to the poor English throwaway babe) which causes Bond to go on a murderous rampage. Yeah, like he wasn't going to already.

That will be my out. "Colonel Russkibad, you don't have to shoot. James is coming after you whether you kill me or not. Now try some of my vodka..." Then I'll be back to my dream job: doing nothing.

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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.

As I type this, the morning birds are singing a song and the sun is smiling. I'm waiting for UPS to deliver my repaired Xbox. Every car that whooshes by pauses this writing. Wait! No, that whoosh is too big. Damn fire truck. Wait! No, that whoosh is too small. Damn hybrid hippies! Wait! Wait! Ah, crap. The neighbor got a FedEx delivery. Fate, you naughty tease!

It's been an interesting few weeks waiting for my beloved Xbox to come home. When old 'exy was around, I would play for... well, a lot. More than a pseudo-adult should. The old man inside me weeps. All that time I spend in front of the Xbox I could be yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off my lawn. (Sing: The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon…)

So I played Xbox a lot until one tragic day, I couldn't play at all. Please, don't cry. I've already done that enough for both of us.

People who aren't addicted to something often say to those who are, "Why don't you just stop?" Naïve fools. They aren't under the spell of something so much fun it can lead you smiling to your ruin. Suckers!

If stopping were as easy as just stopping, we addicts would. We would notice our world crumbling around us. If stopping was that easy, humanity might not even need the word addiction, and we would have a serious problem powering the economy.

But addicts can't stop. Here's time-lapsed internal dialogue that I suspect everyone has had regarding their own addiction(s): "Don't. Don't do that. You shouldn't do that. You know you shouldn't do that. You really don't want to do that. You're going to regret doing that. Oh no, you're doing it. You did it. You shouldn't have done that. Oh well, it's done now. Next time you'll do better."

You know how science says if you touch a hot pan, your hand pulls back before your mind tells it to? Like before you realize you're watching Fox News, you're already stupid? I submit that addiction resides in that zone between reflex and awareness. You get so used to the pleasure your addiction brings and you do it so much, you push it into the no-thought zone of reflex. When feeding your addiction, you don't even notice what you're doing.

It might not even be as fun as it used to be, since the conscious mind doesn't know it's happening. Then again, if you were aware, you might be plagued with guilt. Awareness can be such a buzz kill.

Sometimes though, you're forced into quitting: your drug dealer gets thrown in jail. The distributor runs out of beer. The store sells out of cigarettes. Or your Xbox breaks. Aside: if all of those ever happen to me at the same time, I'm dead.

It's not just addiction. Altering any habit is an eye-opening experience. I never knew there were so many awesome types of food until I went vegan. Suddenly, I couldn't eat the same old food. Blinking, I staggered out of my comfort zone and found a whole new world. (Sing: A whole new world!)

While my baby (ahem, my Xbox) was gone, I learned that there's a lot that goes on in the world when I'm wasting n00bz in Halo 3. None of it is as much fun, but it's still impressive how much you can get done in an evening when 99% of it isn't taken up crushing a preteen's dreams of digital victory.

So for a really unique trip, try challenging your habits. Fight your addiction. Your world will never be the same. It's a special kind of high and one you can be sure you will come down from.

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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.

Of course I'm immature, but I don't think this is entirely my fault. It's not like I went looking for a bunch of movie titles that sound like coded descriptions of breaking wind. These just whooshed out, so don't accuse me of being childish because whoever smelt it dealt it. I mean, whoever accuses loses. Consider the evidence:

Top movie titles that sound like descriptions of a fart

1. The Phantom Menace (IMDB) Aw, dude, who let loose the phantom menace?
2. The Last Airbender (IMDB) No more corn dogs, dammit. That's the last airbender!
3. The Happening (IMDB) Why all the incense? I had a happening.
4. K-19: The Widowmaker (IMDB) Clear the room! We got a K-19 on the loose!
5. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (IMDB) Uh oh. I smell a crouching tiger, hidden dragon.

Honorable Mentions

• Something Wicked This Way Comes
• Silent Running
• Fast and Furious
• The Fog
• The Mist
• What Lies Beneath
• Gone with the Wind
• Cast Away
• Lethal Weapon
• The Fifth Element
• Baadasssss!

Some interesting patterns emerge. There are two films based on Stephen King stories (The Fog and The Mist). There are two films directed by M. Night Shyamalan (The Happening and The Last Airbender). Noise or signal? Coincidence or meaning?

Feel free to let loose in the comments section for any you feel I've missed. Thank you for your contribution to this important issue.

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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.