Earning Your Stripes: I hope I die before I get old (and stupid) Or, Stalking the Silver-Striped Human

Lately I have more prominent white hairs in my sideburns. They show up like stars on a cloudless night, since my hair is naturally solid black.

On the one hand, I thought about plucking them. On the other, I wondered about dyeing them. Back to the previous hand, I thought about leaving them, letting my age show. Second time to the second hand, I embraced them.

I've earned those grays. They're a testament to all the difficulties I've survived. All this and age, too! Let those suckers show.

I'll be the first to admit that I haven't had the most difficult life, but I've had my challenges. Through a combination of luck, determination and just plain stubbornness, I've gotten through. Plus, I must acknowledge against my own humility and carefully hidden lack of self-esteem that some of my good fortune (certainly not all of it) has to be attributed to some measure of skill. For example, my novel didn't write itself!

So hell yeah, I'm getting old. Fortunately, I'm not one of those people who think that just by virtue of years, I am deserving of respect and what I say is wise. Age alone is no guarantee of wisdom. Conduct alone demands respect and wisdom is for those who absorb lessons from experience.

In my mind, one of the greatest tragic creatures of the world is an old person who is a bigot. The enemy of bigotry is experience. Whenever I see an old person who believes in the same old tired prejudices, I can't help but think, "All this time you've been alive, all the chances you had to see things, experience things, talk to people, read and/or learn yet you still haven't noticed that not every (ethnic slur) is a criminal? You still haven't noticed that generalities don't work?"

Maybe my intuition is off. My expectation is that as one gets older, one loosens up. One should realize that the world is a mystery, and respect that. But I suppose the phenomenon of the aged moron could be part of the hardening process of aging.

I don't think it's inevitable, though. Chances are, old morons began as young morons. Another sign of hope is that there are lots of people, much older than I, as energetic and wise and as fun as anyone could wish to be. Lately I've been researching people's ages. Anyone I admire (or even dislike) in the public eye, I look up their age. Take the presidential candidates, for example. What a drain campaigning for president must be on the body and the mind. If those people, decades older than I, can do it, then I've got a lot of good years left, should my luck continue to hold out.

So bring on the gray. No. Gray isn't the right word. It implies blah. Let's go with white. No, that's got an association with lifelessness.

Let's go with silver. One of the most feared and respected primates is the Silverback Gorilla: strong, huge, aged leaders of a primate clan. I'll think of myself as that dude's less hairy, only slightly less muscular (ha!) relative: the Silver-Striped Human. It sounds much cooler than "I'm going gray."

Hell yeah, I'm going silver. I've earned these stripes.

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Larry Nocella is the award-winning author of the novel Where Did This Come From? available at Amazon and Xlibris and other fine online book stores. Where Did This Come From? is also available as an eBook. For more info, visit Larry Nocella's website at http://www.larrynocella.com/.

The Annotated Spam (or, Conducting an Autopsy on a Spam Email)

Is it really worth it to point out idiots acting idiotic? Sometimes I wonder.

Should one spend valuable time refuting what a lunatic is saying or do you let it go as obvious lunacy? Then again, in our crazy-ass world of strange theories and stranger truths, is anything really obvious lunacy? On top of that, if people didn't take the time to point out those they felt were idiots, wouldn't that decimate the media industry and crumble the already recessing US economy?

Conclusion: sometimes there is value in ignoring a nut case, when all they want is attention. When they're just trying to distract you, or when their point is irrelevant to any practical matter. Sometimes, however, it is important to address idiocy head-on. Apply the metaphor you prefer: someone has to take out the trash, someone has to clean the toilet, someone has to swat the flies, etc.

With that in mind, I'm going to dissect a spam email I ran across lately, one that slandered the target du jour of bigoted morons everywhere: Barack Obama.

Even if Obama wasn't my current pick for President in 2008, the spam email below offends me because of its stupidity. Scalpel, please.

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SPAM: Who is Barack Obama? Very interesting and something that should be considered in your choice. If you do not ever forward anything else, please forward this to all your contacts...this is very scarey to think of what lies ahead of us here in our own United States...better heed this and pray about it and share it.

AUTOPSY: Why is it that morons can't spell? I guess because they're morons. Every stupid spam I get has glaring spelling errors. There's no E in scary! I also enjoyed the barely literate answer to the opening question.

SPAM: We checked this out on 'snopes.com'. It is factual. Check for yourself.

AUTOPSY: Just checked. Snopes? Nopes! Snopes dissects this very same email. It says something sad when they tell you to check the very source that says precisely this email is a lie. (LINK: http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/muslim.asp.)

SPAM: Probable U. S. presidential candidate, Barack Hussein Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii, to Barack Hussein Obama, Sr., a black MUSLIM from Nyangoma-Kogel, Kenya and Ann Dunham, a white ATHIEST from Wichita, Kansas.

AUTOPSY: I like how they throw in that his middle name is Hussein any chance they can get, as if that's enough to prove he's evil. Just because an ex-ally of the USA had the same last name as this guy's middle name. That's like slandering anyone named Mohammed because of 9/11 murderer Mohammed Atta. Do you know how many people across the world are named Hussein or Mohammed or some variation thereof? What's in a name? Hey, I just made that up!

Point is, who cares about the name. You can insult anyone for their name. For example, George W. Bush has the same name as George W. Bush, a war criminal who hijacked the USA and trashed it in the early 21st century. Mitt Romney? Let's call him Shit Romney. John McCain? John Insane. Mike Huckabee? Mike Suck-a-D. (I'm really proud of that last one. Sometimes I think my wordsmith skills would have made me an excellent bully.)

SPAM: When Obama was two years old, his parents divorced. His father returned to Kenya. His mother then married Lolo Soetoro, a RADICAL Muslim from Indonesia. When Obama was 6 years old, the family relocate to Indonesia. Obama attended a MUSLIM school in Jakarta. He also spent two years in a Catholic school.

AUTOPSY: I like how Muslim and Radical and Atheist are all capitalized. Saves the moron reading time, I guess. Keywords of Fear! No thought, take me straight to the Knee Jerk Zone! So Obama's parents were (if anything in this spam is to be believed) a Muslim and an Atheist. I guess we're supposed to be horrified that in the land of religious freedom, in the land open to all, someone who embodies freedom and opportunity should be scorned.

SPAM: (There's a lot more ignorance here, mostly centering about the claim that Obama is a Muslim.)

AUTOPSY: I can't even stomach to read this ignorance enough to dismantle it. See first paragraph.

SPAM: Obama was enrolled in a Wahabi school in Jakart! Wahabism is the RADICAL teaching that is followed by the Muslim terrorists who are now waging Jihad against the western world. Since it is politically expedient to be a CHRISTIAN when seeking major public office in the United States, Barack Hussein Obama has joined the United Church of Christ in an attempt to downplay his Muslim background.

AUTOPSY: I quote, "It's politically expedient to be a Christian when seeking major public office in the United States…" I wonder why that is? Because people are bigoted towards MUSLIMS and ATHEISTS!

SPAM: Also, keep in mind that when he was sworn into office he DID NOT use the Holy Bible, but instead the Koran. Barack Hussein Obama will NOT recite the Pledge of Allegience nor will he show any reverence for our flag. While others place their hands over their hearts, Obama turns his back to the flag and slouches. Let us all remain alert concerning Obama's expected presidential candidacy.

AUTOPSY: Whoa! His middle name is Hussein! That changes everything! As for all that crap about slouching and what not, if that actually happened, it would be on YouTube in under a minute, with an obscenely misspelled title. Like "Obama Hussain are a Trateor!"

SPAM: Please forward to everyone you know.

AUTOPSY: Of course. As a spam email are you sure you don't want to tell me how I can extend my penis?

SPAM: Would you want this man leading our country?

AUTOPSY: Nah! I'd rather Bush and Cheney have another four years of demolishing the Middle East, the Economy, the American military and everything else they get their greedy oily fingers on. Please continue to educait mee with your EMALES!

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Larry Nocella is the award-winning author of the novel Where Did This Come From? available at Amazon and Xlibris and other fine online book stores. Where Did This Come From? is also available as an eBook. For more info, visit Larry Nocella's website at http://www.larrynocella.com/.