The Myth of the Modern Day Minuteman (or, Gunophiles let us all down, are they serious about a well-armed militia or are they just LARPing?)

I recently came across an internet post where gun lovers were seriously complaining that President Obama is a threat to American freedom because he wants to take away people's guns. Without even considering whether this accusation is true or not, I have a bigger question for gunophiles: Where the hell were you guys over the last eight years?

Gunophiles always claim they are the thin voluntary line between tyranny and freedom, the noble defenders of life, liberty and property. Yet the Bush Crime Family stole their (and all of our) savings right out from under us and never once did the modern-day Minutemen rise up. The "well-organized militia" that the Second Amendment promises failed to self-organize in a miraculous display of social emergence.

Where were the gunophiles when Bush was allowing his goons to plunder the country? I'd sure like to know, because as things are, we're all (and for you breeders, your children and grandchildren are also) going to be working well past retirement to pay off Bush's debt.

As for defending our nation, the Second Amendment turned out to be as useful as Web 2.0, little more than a buzzword. The gunophiles themselves were as helpful as LARPers playing resistance fighters. If Obama does want to take away their guns, it seems he has good reason: dereliction of duty.

Picture this scene: a family is starving, they have no jobs, the water is polluted, they can’t buy food, they're about to be kicked out of their home. That's a scary and growing segment of America today, but gun-lovers feel everything is all right for now. After all, they still have their guns and therefore, we're still free. Free to eat as much bullet-stew as we like. Yum yum, freedom is delicious and just loaded with iron!

Now I often find myself in a disturbingly small minority when I express concern over arguments bolstered by scenes from fictional movies, but then again, this is Hollywood, excuse me, this is America, and fiction can do the job and frame history's lessons more concisely than recalling any event. That's part of the reason I write it.

So let me try my memory at one of my favorite scenes in the movie The Grapes of Wrath. It goes something like this: A bulldozer is about a run down a farm family's house. The farm owner stands before his home and prepares to shoot the bulldozer driver. Displaying unnatural calm, the driver explains: you can shoot me, but then the man from the local bank will just send someone else. Then I'll go shoot him, the farm-owner counters. Well then, the driver says, the guy who owns the national bank will replace him. Then I'll shoot him, too! The farm-owner insists. The driver is chill: but then the corporation that owns the banks will hire someone else. Finally the farm-owner yells in frustration as his house is destroyed, "Damn it, who do I shoot?"

Exactly.

The observation made plain in the scene, supported by gunophile inaction during Bush's criminal reign is: guns are not a guarantee of freedom at all. Guns may work for solving problems of immediate physical safety in extremely rare circumstances, but not problems of finance.

See, I mock our gun-loving fellow citizens because, well, like any wanna-be comedian I’m a bit of a jerk. In addition, gunophiles are an irresistible target because they often take themselves too seriously. However, I do agree with them on two points. If someone breaks into your home with an axe, intending to do you harm, it sure would be nice to have a pistol. No question.

If you are in the extreme minority that needs to hunt for subsistence, it would help to have a rifle, but that’s where I get off the gunophile shortbus, long before the final stop deep in the heart of Crazyville.

As the saying says, give someone a hammer and every problem looks like a nail. Give someone a gun and every problem looks like a five-year-old who didn't think it was loaded.

Where were the guns? Where were the gunophiles? Where was Revolution 2.0? Nowhere, and it's just as well. Guns would not have solved the problem. They don't solve systemic problems and are no guarantee of freedom. So, please gunophiles, if you really want to defend freedom, work on stopping corruption in the financial world. As the situation is now, we'll be wage slaves the rest of our lives even if we are free to own guns.

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Larry Nocella's novel Where Did This Come From? is available on Amazon in paperback and for the Amazon Kindle. For more info, visit LarryNocella.com.

ApocaLust Now! or, Why Are So Many People Horny for Armageddon? or, Do Bugs in a Rug Going Up a Vacuum Cleaner Believe The Rapture(TM) is at Hand?

Why are so many people horny for Armageddon?

It doesn't matter how crazy your rationale is. If you claim that the world is going to end, people will believe it. If you're feeling especially randy, you can even name some specific and very near moment that humanity's doom will be sealed. Don’t worry when the time comes and goes and the end doesn’t arrive. Just revise your prophecy and the followers will be back, hungry for more of your apocalyptic visions.

All of that would be laughable except for the fact that people who are delusional are often short on humor. The other trait that always seems bundled with a willingness to believe in The End is a desire to make sure it happens. Human nature, ya gotta love it: people would rather go to oblivion rather than be proven wrong. I find it all a little scary. When someone is delusional and suicidal, that’s when we sane people get hurt.

It's a state I call ApocaLust. It's not just the belief that The End is coming, but also a desire to make sure it does, or at the very least, a joyful hope that the afflicted person witnesses it.

Chances are you brushed up against someone stricken with ApocaLust when it was at a fever pitch as the year 2000 loomed. Never mind that other human calendars (Jewish and Chinese) passed 2000 long ago. The obnoxious faithful knew all those zeros on the Gregorian calendar were going to snuff us out! So what happened? Squat.

Well, just because Y2K came to nothing doesn't mean you missed your chance! New Armageddons are always on their way! Recent chart-toppers are The Rapture(TM) and The Year 2012.

What’s up with 2012? Well, apparently that's as far as the Mayan calendar goes, and since an ancient, extinct human culture knows much more than we do, well, there simply can’t be a 2013. Imagine our misfortune! If only Staples stores had been invented then, the Mayans could have just ordered a 2013 calendar. Instead, now we’re all gonna die.

Another modern example of ApocaLust is The Rapture(TM). Our religious friends just can't wait for that day, when the chosen are called to heaven and the rest of us can finally get down to some real partying. The Rapture(TM) is big business. Someone even wrote some books about it. They're called the "Left Behind" books, which always make me think they have something to do the port side of a person's ass. But enough about Republicans, whenever I hear about The Rapture(TM) I’m tempted to put a trademark symbol after it because it just seems like a product. It's the same old religion but New! and Improved!

Another Rapture(TM) product is the commonly-seen bumper sticker: "In case of Rapture this car will be unmanned." It's not only arrogant, but also stupid. Arrogant for assuming they will be chosen by God and stupid because every car I see it on is a hard-top. Shouldn't they be driving convertibles? They're going to look like helium-filled inflatable sex dolls pinned against the inside roof of their car as it careens off the road and sits in a ditch for all eternity.

As with everything that involves us human animals, I'm convinced there is some sexual component to Armageddon. How else to explain why people keep going after it without consulting logic or reason? I believe the band Bad Religion concurs. Notice the lyrics to their ripping song, New Dark Ages: "Our kin will be immaculate ejaculate in space." Well said, BR.

That's got to be it. The End makes people horny. Armageddon is some kind of primal Spiritus Mundi archetype in our subconscious, a cosmic-sized male orgasm wherein the chosen spurt into the sky during The Big Finish. As with many things religious, the female perspective is neglected, because, well, it's confusing. And girls are icky.

I have a secret desire that The Rapture(TM) is some kind of pre-programmed harvest by people-eating aliens. They planted us here a while ago, and they’re going to zip on by (in the year 2012 for sure) and suck up all the people. The faithful will cheerfully go along, realizing only too late they are not in heaven, but they’re the main course. It makes me wonder, do bugs in a rug going up a vacuum cleaner believe The Rapture(TM) is at hand?

I can hear some of you out there now: Oh yeah? Why are you attacking religion, you damn liberal? What about all this concern for Global Warming? Isn't that an example of damn liberal ApocaLust?

A decent point. While liberals are just as susceptible to ApocaLust as anyone else, anyone who chooses to FIGHT global warming obviously isn't wishing for the end of the world. I've never heard of someone who WANTS global warming to arrive, believes it will, and sees it as something to be coaxed and rejoiced over when it arrives (note unavoidable male orgasm references). Most see it as something to be avoided, but there surely could be some misanthropes out there for whom this description fits. Like any mental illness, ApocaLust doesn't discriminate.

So what is it about people that makes them crave The End? Is it too much destination, not enough journey? Well don't stop believin' kids, the end of the world will be here someday.

That's why in my novel, Where Did This Come From? The native chief's wife, Yuala, notes that the world as we know it is a living thing, and all living things are born and die. Someday, even if we somehow muscle past the idiots who deny global warming, and survive those who want to bring about The End, the earth will die despite all our best efforts, should we ever bring them to bear. That doesn't mean we should ignore caring for our planet, it means we should be aware that she's fragile and temporary.

Or we can just keep jerking off, literally and metaphysically.

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Larry Nocella is the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? available on Amazon. For more info, visit his website at http://www.larrynocella.com/.