Want to Save the Economy? Send the Marines Shopping! (or, Debt is the Lube of the Working Class Hamster Wheel.)

I'm so confused. I thought we were doing well.

After 9/11, those of us who were not in the military got our marching orders. We were told to go forth and shop, shop, shop, spend, spend, spend.(Link.) Keep going to Disney World, keep flying the airlines. Whatever you do, don't let this shocking, horrific and historic event cause you to change anything you do, just keep spending.

It was easy to be a hero back then. Patriotism was as simple as dropping a dime. All you had to do was finance an SUV with no money down, grab an extra case of Coors Light, or tip a little extra at the strip club. You would do those things, if you cared at all about freedom. If you didn't give Sindee that extra five-spot in her thong, well then, the terrorists win!

Such was the rallying cry. The little guy could help, too. It seemed incredible that we working class folk had a part to play in trickle down economics, but we did, and still do! We're supposed to keep going into debt so the rich folk have a desperate workforce always at the ready. Debt is the lube of the working class hamster wheel. Without debt, we working people would stop working. I know it's true because I read it on a bumper sticker: I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.

So we pitched in, we spent until it hurt, just like we were told. We hated those terrorists so bad, we even spent money we didn't have until finally someone somewhere noticed a lot of bills were overdue, so they came calling, then people went bankrupt, then banks went bankrupt, and trickle down economics reversed itself. Instead of wealth trickling down, debt rained up.

Now everything is a mess. In the past, those with big shiny things were admired. It was common to say wow, look at the size of that person's house (or car, or trophy wife's breasts) they must be rich! Now we know that person isn't rich, they're in a lot of debt.

How did this happen? How could debt be our redemption immediately after 9/11 but our downfall a few years later?

Suddenly spending is a bad idea. Now President Obama is offering to hand out money so everyone can go into more debt and the spittle-producing media is screaming "socialist" with all the fury they can muster before the next infomercial about erectile dysfunction.

Of course it's a well-known fact that people who use the word "socialist" as an insult are the same people who have no idea what a socialist is.

For their benefit, I will explain. A socialist is someone who pools the wealth of society and distributes it to some other purpose. Hey, sounds a lot like the USA, regardless who is president! After all, we pay taxes, and that money gets pooled and then used for a lot of things like a road system, a mail system, an internet, fire fighters, police, and a military.

What? Our military is socialist?! I'm afraid so. Well then we should do away with our military as well as all those other things. After all, military equals socialist and socialist equals evil. So dump 'em, the friggen welfare queens.

Unless!

Think about it. As history shows, the problem wasn't spending, it was how much and who did it. We need professional spenders, an elite force of shopaholics, a bunch of trained individuals who follow orders and- That's it! We need to re-tool the military into the finest shopping force the world has ever seen!

Everyone wins! The military, being socialist, and therefore evil, is disbanded and rebranded as The Shopping Service. Armed with credit cards backed by taxpayer funds, they will deploy into local malls and spend precisely what is needed, when it is needed, as they are commanded, with a discipline we civvies could never muster.

We in the working class will be able to horde our money for our survival without being told we're unpatriotic. The former members of the U.S. military will no longer struggle with the impossible task of peacemaker in counties ravaged by civil war. Most importantly, the rich will get their profits! Bailouts will be a thing of the past. Socialism will no longer infect our government. Who will pay the credit card bills, you ask? Nobody! And by nobody I mean the U.S. working class taxpayer. Got a problem with that, you terrorist socialist?

You want to save the economy? Send the Marines shopping! Oorah!

As someone else once said about his own flawless plan, there is no doubt they will be greeted as liberators.

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Larry Nocella's novel Where Did This Come From? is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers. For more info, visit LarryNocella.com.

Poser Propheteering

I was thinking of predictions recently, and everyone's tendency after making them to trumpet the ones they get right, and say a quiet whoops about the ones they get wrong. Apparently, the desire to be a prophet is strong in human nature. One thing that is definitely predictable is that people announce only their correct predictions.

So this being a blog, obviously I'm coming to you with evidence that I called something long before the rest of the world.

Note this story from the March 12, 2009 New York Times: Forget Britney; Media Outrage Hits Big Spenders By Brian Stelter. (Link.) It's an interesting article about how the paparazzi are not only chasing celebrities, but lately they've taken to chasing rich criminals with no connection to showbiz.

I knew it, dear reader. I knew it! The Prophecy of Lar has come true. For yea, I have foreseen and even advocated this trend.

Huh?

As you no doubt recall, since you've been a faithful reader since long before it was cool (okay, that would still be now, but let's assume you've been reading this blog for a while) I advocated the papa-z chasing the truly powerful over two years ago in February 2007. I refer to the timeless classic: Watching Hollywood like a hawk. Watching Washington like a blind duck. Preventing Vietnam War Part 3: Iran with Secret Weapon Paparazzi. (Link.)

So, what other predictions has Lar the Prophet made that came true?

Uh. Um. Ah. Well. Hm.

Bother me not, fool! For I must go now to meditate on my next vision!

Wow, a self-proclaimed prophet who, when pushed for more predictions, belches out some pomposity and runs for cover. Who could have foreseen that?

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Larry Nocella is the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? available on Amazon. For more info, visit his website at www.LarryNocella.com.

Holding Every Book You Have Never Read in One Hand (or, The Kindle is Book Buying's Monolith Moment)

Despite my natural tendency to question everything, some days I just want to believe the hype. Skepticism gets tiring in the land of relentless advertising, but enhances the thrill of discovery when something I think is going to suck ends up winning me over.

So I come to you preaching with the zeal of the newly converted: the recently released Amazon Kindle 2 is really cool.

If you don't know, the Kindle is an eBook reader, but much more importantly, it's a travelling book store, and that's where it scores book-buying's 2001 Monolith Moment, evolving the process a significant step. While not every book in the world is eBook-compatible yet, someday they will be. When that day comes, if you want, you can clear off your shelves, recycle every paper book you own, and keep just your book-reading device.

Obviously, being a semi-pro writer (heavier on the semi than on the pro) I'm very interested in how books are purchased, and how writing is marketed. However, unlike most of my writing colleagues, I'm not resistant to technology, believing it will be the end of good writing. I think mediums will always change, but they will always need writers to fill them. On the surface, eBooks sound bad. It sounds like books are going away, but they're not. Only their format is changing.

That's good news, because change is something the publishing world needs desperately. Before the internet, before print-on-demand self-publishing, books had to be filtered through the self-anointed priesthood of New York City literati and their hugely wasteful forecast-and-recycle model (they guess how many they are going to sell, or purposefully overestimate to build hype, and then recycle what doesn't sell.) That method is about as inefficient as you can get.

Environmentally speaking, forecast-and-recycle has been improved with the print-on-demand model, where printing technology allows a single book to be printed at a time, so only as many books as are wanted are printed.

The Kindle moves book-making even further: no books are printed at all. This is where the short-sighted residents of Status Quo go into full-blown panic mode. "The barbarians are crashing the gate!" They cry. As usual, that warning is code for, "Our elite little club is no longer elite! Anyone can get in!" As for me, I say rock on, democracy.

People in the supposed know have been bitching about how internet technology is making people dumber and meaner. One recent example of this hysteria is the perplexingly popular yet uninsightful article Is Google Making Us Stupid? from the The Atlantic. (Answer: No, but that article sure is.) Another is the book Snark, by David Denby, a book whining about superficial and anonymous commentary on websites. Denby's entire thesis is blown apart by the simple technique of moderated comments. Looks like someone didn't need Google to make him stupid. As for Google dumbing people down, I never heard of something so off base. Search engines help conquer ignorance of all and any kind. That's ALL they do. Ignorance that remains is the fault of the person housing it, not Google.

My point is, The Kindle is going to be good for book publishing and good for writing. When you can buy a book instantly wherever you are, that's good news for writers. With website and printing technology as is, anyone can publish anything. It's full-throttle democracy.

Now onto my specific Kindle experience. Just for kicks, I picked it up and purposefully did not read the manual, to see how easy it was to use. I poked around with the buttons and figured it out. In under five minutes I had successfully ordered a book I've had my eye on for a while: The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. I had the entire book in what felt like a minute.

The Black Swan was a serendipitous choice for a first Kindle read. The book starts with a philosophical approach to one's own library, that your shelves should not be filled with books you have read, but with books you haven't. This way, you can easily reference what you don't know. Books you have read are used up, you've already soaked up what they have to offer. I laughed as I read this introduction, perfectly appropriate to me holding a tiny device that contained (in theory) every single book I have never read.

I've shared my praise and I've scoffed at the hysteria, but there are some solid disadvantages to the Kindle. While it's great for anti-clutter freaks like me, nothing beats the feeling of walking into a library or bookstore and just staring in awe at the physical manifestation of all the knowledge and stories unknown to me. That's gone with The Kindle. Also, if I love a paperback, I can hand it to someone and say "You've got to read this!" but I can't do the same with the Kindle, though I've been informed that some people are trading Kindles. That's too risky for me, but this seems like an easy fix. Likely all that's needed is to finesse the digital-rights management (DRM) of the book files.

Another Kindle disadvantage is long-term: if every book is digital, it would seem more susceptible to censorship by an oppressive government or their functional equal, jerk hackers. The Kindle also loses to print in the tactile world. Touch and smell are part of the experience of books and the printed page, but not so much that I can't live without it.

That sounds like a lot of negatives but ultimately, I knew the Kindle 2 was a winner when it passed the most important test of reading. Can it be read while, ahem, multi-tasking on the toilet?

Let me simply say yes it can, and leave it at that. Ebook reading has arrived.

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Larry Nocella is the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? available on Amazon in print and Kindle eBook format. For more info, visit his website at http://www.larrynocella.com/.