Nazis Always Think They're Fighting the Nazis (or, It's a slippery slope from free prostate exams to mandatory gas chambers)

Say what you want about President Obama, but he has done one thing very well. He has altered our national discussion. The big question of his term is: how to improve health care? What a refreshing change from the big question of the Bush years: how can we funnel even more money to the rich? Change has come! Instead of screwing up the entire planet, we've graduated to screwing ourselves.

Apparently change upsets a lot of people. This past summer, the usual round of breaking news (it's hot, it's really hot, it's not that hot) was completely pushed aside by footage from town hall meetings and demonstrations. Americans turned out in large numbers to let their opinions about Obama and his healthcare plan be known. This made for some disturbing video clips. (Like this, this, and this.)

Before you get discouraged by this ugliness, look on the bright side. The mayhem at the town halls proves we have at least a partly-functioning democracy. People are free to stand up in public and present views opposed to our country's leaders, opposed to the nation's majority and even opposed to any possible reality.

It's that last group I want to focus on, that cluster of people who see a national health care program as the sole intermediate step between where America is now and late-1930's Nazi Germany. If how a country makes a seamless transition from free prostate exams to mandatory gas chambers is a mystery to you, chances are you're sane. Or, according to supporters of the thesis, you've been duped.

Human history sadly never lacks stories of genocide, but for some reason the Nazi reign sticks in the American mind. Can a brother get an update? Nazis are so old-school. They've been replaced by Commies, then Russian Commies, then Warlords, then Terrorists. Official enemies come and go, but America's favorite bad guy remains the Nazis.

Maybe it's due to the perplexing question of how Nazi Germany came to exist at all. How did it happen? How did a country famous for something as harmless as beer and ridiculous as lederhosen become the most murderous, destructive force the world has ever seen not counting Wal-Mart?

I think the Obama-is-evil crazies provide the answer. See, everything happens for a reason, even nutty people showing up in public. Whackos have their uses, I guess.

Let me explain. What cracks me up, in a we're-all-doomed-so-laugh-or-you'll-cry kind of way, is that the people who scream Nazi the loudest, who call people Nazis the most, are also the people who act most similar to the Nazis, or are at least the most ready to become American neo-Nazis. Let's call them Americanazis and compare.

The original Nazis believed without question the fact-free ravings of a leader with access to major media, perpetual rage, and dubious sanity. Americanazis do too (Beck, O'Reilly, Limbaugh). The original Nazis believed the big lie: Jews were taking over, and if you didn't see evidence of it, it's because they were so skilled at hiding their schemes. The Americanazis believe Obama's healthcare plan and his every action (talking to schoolkids, planting a garden, playing basketball, etc.) are secret plans of evil and if it seems to your observation to be otherwise, that's because he is so skilled at hiding his nefariousness. Nazis were told they were under attack and they believed it (as explained by Goering in his famous quote on how to start a war). Americanazis are told they are oppressed and under attack, and they believe it as well. Reference the ludicrous War on Christmas and the perpetual warnings against liberals, education, the media, political correctness, as well as many other dastardly abstract nouns.

So maybe all of that can be overlooked, but what makes Americanazis prime candidates as Nazi re-enactors is their disturbing sexual attraction to firearms. That completes the Nazi package: crazy leaders, gullibility, anger, paranoia and guns.

How did Nazi Germany arise? There were some key angry cult-leaders stoking a bunch of scared and willing-to-put-anger-before-thought believers. Before long, people are committing horrible evil acts because they are convinced they are doing so against horrible evil people.

Nazis always think they're fighting the Nazis. It's the eternal wisdom of "whoever smelt it dealt it" scaled to address the psychoses of the terrified, gullible, angry, armed, hate-prone demographic.

Nazis always think they're fighting the Nazis. Prove me wrong. When you fail, you know what to call me.

UPDATE: Mere seconds before I posted this, I ran across this disturbing story: Right-Wing Conference Tells Activists To Get Their Guns Ready For ‘Bloody Battle’ With Obama The Nazi (link) which neatly proves my point. The Winner of the "Most Likely To Be The Next Nazis" award is... the gang accusing others of being Nazis.

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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.

How Patrick Swayze Gave My Life Focus

A long time ago, an ad for a video tape rental store (remember those?) was promoting their recent releases. "We now have Roadhouse," the store clerk teased. An eager customer asked, "Is that the one with Patrick Swayze bustin' heads and breakin' hearts?"

I forget the rest of the ad, but one phrase resonated in my soul.

Bustin' heads and breakin' hearts.
Bustin' heads and breakin' hearts.
Hell yeah!
Bustin' heads and breakin' hearts!

I found that phrase a brilliant combination of cheese, bravado and romance. Not unlike myself.

Ever since then, "bustin' heads and breakin' hearts" has been my motto, my life mission summed up in a few words, and as you well know from hours of careful study, my number one "activity" in my Facebook profile.

I'm not sure if absorbing ad copy by some anonymous writer about a movie he was in counts as a tribute to the late Mr. Swayze, but it's all I've got to give.

So rest in peace, dancin' dude. Thanks for changing my life forever. I never went in for your more popular (girly) work. The rest of the world can keep Dirty Dancin'. Baby can stay in the corner for all I care. Roadhouse was more my speed. It had fights and hot chicks and well, I can't remember much else, but really, minus the fights, what else do I need in a movie?

Oh yeah, and I liked Red Dawn because I always hoped it would happen in real life. Back in the 80s I eagerly waited for the Russians to attack. I figured if they did, school would probably get cancelled and any day away from school was a good day. Wolverines!

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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.

Loving Music as Opposed to Stalking It

I never used to care much about pop songs being used in commercials. The band wrote the song, so if they wanted to use it to sell cars or toilet paper or booze, that was none of my business. But my heart's been broken lately so I'm reconsidering my hands-off approach.

This change was driven by a relationship that hit a rough patch, involving me and a song by The Chemical Brothers. In Galvanize, an electronic beat blends with Middle Eastern ululating, string instruments and hip-hop lyrics. It's a perfect example of the positive things that our shrinking world's meshing cultures and vanishing borders have to offer. The lyrics, too, are all about people coming together. Brilliant!

Imagine my horror when I saw my beloved tune playing soundtrack to Budweiser TV commercials over and over and over. Now when I hear this transcendent song, the expanding thoughts it triggers compete with the Budweiser beer logo. Ugh. (Video here.)

Another similar case: I was recently forced by the obligations of marriage to see the heinously unfunny movie, I Love You, Man. This film would have been more aptly titled Field Study of Douche Bags, but never mind the crap flick. What really hurt was that the two main characters had this annoying obsession with the band Rush.

So of course, there were several filler scenes of the douche duo characters showcasing their Rush-fandom via air instruments and whacky vocal noises as part of their bromance. Look at him frantically mime that drum solo! Haha! He got so into it, he fell over! That's really funny! He fell!

All I could think was, thank heavens I no longer listen to Rush with the devotion I once did. Because that movie would have absolutely killed a few of my favorite Rush tunes. Good memories associated with those songs would forever clash in my memory with insipid scenes of this crappy film.

The examples go on. Recently, The Black Eyed Peas wonderful song, I Gotta Feeling was promoting CBS' new shows. (Video.) I even seem to recall years ago that Jethro Tull's Locomotive Breath was used to promote car sales (who is the genius marketer who came up with that?) I'm sure everyone has their own example of a sell-out that broke their heart.

A sell-out? How judgmental! Who the hell are we?

Is it really fair to accuse musicians we like of "selling out" when they use their creations to make money? It is their work of art and it is their right to do what they want with it, even if we think they are defacing and cheapening something beautiful.

We don't own those songs. We simply love them. To think we own them because we love them, that's the mentality of a stalker.

One possible solution to this heartbreak is to turn off the offending media when your song is being besmirched, but as anyone who spends a few seconds in the USA knows, exposing yourself to culture means exposing yourself to ads. Kurt Vonnegut even felt they were one and the same. There is little to no escape from ads, even when you do make an effort to tune out.

We can't change the situation, so let's try a new attitude. Think of tunes not as your possessions, but as living things. You know that bit of needlepoint wisdom? If you love something set it free, if it doesn't come back that must mean you smell? I mean, if it doesn't come back it never was yours?

It's time to think of songs like that. Think of them like children, friends, family. Living things. Sometimes they make choices you don't like. Sometimes they go into sales instead of medicine, sometimes they work as strippers instead of teachers, sometimes they vote Republican instead of for their own interests. You're sad because they're not pursuing what you wanted, but that's when you need to remind yourself, you don’t own them, you simply love them.

One of the most touching moments of my life was when I asked my mother to proofread a letter to the local paper where I expressed my pro-choice views on abortion. Being generally of the opposite view, she took a deep breath after fixing each sentence for grammar alone, not content. She seemed to be steeling herself against the fact that her son was becoming his own man. In that moment, I felt a bit of freedom. It was a brief event, but huge in retrospect. Thanks, Mom!

So it must be with songs. I'll always love the Chemical Brothers' Galvanize. I won't always love the places it goes or who it hangs out with or what it does, but it will always have a home in my heart.

Thinking this way brings me peace, so I must be on the right track.


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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.

Fart Euphemisms in Movie Titles

Of course I'm immature, but I don't think this is entirely my fault. It's not like I went looking for a bunch of movie titles that sound like coded descriptions of breaking wind. These just whooshed out, so don't accuse me of being childish because whoever smelt it dealt it. I mean, whoever accuses loses. Consider the evidence:

Top movie titles that sound like descriptions of a fart

1. The Phantom Menace (IMDB) Aw, dude, who let loose the phantom menace?
2. The Last Airbender (IMDB) No more corn dogs, dammit. That's the last airbender!
3. The Happening (IMDB) Why all the incense? I had a happening.
4. K-19: The Widowmaker (IMDB) Clear the room! We got a K-19 on the loose!
5. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (IMDB) Uh oh. I smell a crouching tiger, hidden dragon.

Honorable Mentions

• Something Wicked This Way Comes
• Silent Running
• Fast and Furious
• The Fog
• The Mist
• What Lies Beneath
• Gone with the Wind
• Cast Away
• Lethal Weapon
• The Fifth Element
• Baadasssss!

Some interesting patterns emerge. There are two films based on Stephen King stories (The Fog and The Mist). There are two films directed by M. Night Shyamalan (The Happening and The Last Airbender). Noise or signal? Coincidence or meaning?

Feel free to let loose in the comments section for any you feel I've missed. Thank you for your contribution to this important issue.

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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.