Mother Nature versus Human Nature

Following any huge snowstorm, two things are predictable. One, the media will remind you not to go anywhere (like you could under a couple feet of snow.) Two, many people will seriously claim to have found startling new evidence that global warming doesn't exist. This new discovery called "ice" apparently eluded scientists for several centuries, but now that it's been found, well, just forget all that climate change talk.

Okay, that's enough mocking of climate change deniers. We should show compassion. Deniers aren't just drones suddenly claiming to be scientific geniuses because they worship a talking head funded by the invisible hand of industry. They're people, too. And they're hurting.

Just like a denier bringing scientific consensus to a halt with a single ice cube, I can prove it. Ever since the world-wide discussion on the problem of climate change began, the denial movement has transitioned exactly through the five stages of grief:

1. Denial (There's no climate change happening!)
2. Anger (Climate change is a liberal myth!)
3. Bargaining (Okay, maybe it's real, but we can't address it now.)
4. Depression (A global consensus of scientists say it's real? Crap, I might have to get off the couch.)
5. Acceptance (Okay, fine! Wait! If there's nothing we can do about it, why get off the couch?)

Notice how the Acceptance phase transitions seamlessly into rationalization: I'll accept climate change exists IF YOU PROMISE to tell me the situation is hopeless. This is a primal response at the core of human nature and the source of a climate change denier's pain. We all instinctively know that acknowledging a problem means there will probably be some kind of work involved afterwards.

Being humans, all sides of the debate see the it's-hopeless-so-do-nothing angle as a tempting offer, so our minds move in quickly to close the sale: Is climate change really that bad? If the roof is still standing and the house isn't on fire and American Idol is still on, can we honestly say there is a problem? Heck! Climate change might even work in our favor. If the earth heats up and the sea rises, that increases the chance that you'll own beachfront property. Why not roll the dice? Maybe during the scrambling of the earth's climate zones, the band of scorching temperatures at the equator will widen, and the Caribbean will come to you.

Surfing while on the couch! Literally!

The climate change denial dynamic reminds me of veteran home-owning couples. If you are one, this exchange will sound familiar: Look, there's a hole in the wall. It's not that bad. Fix it! No! If you don't fix it, I'm not going to your dumb movie. Aw, but it's a Saturday! All right, I'll fix it. Wait, why not think of it as a free window?

When discussing climate change, we're not just fighting knee-jerk contrarians and considering fair questions from independent thinkers, we're struggling against human nature itself. That's a double bummer because even if stopping the effects of global warming is impossible, just by trying to clean up the environment, we'd accomplish lots of good. Surely there are worse fates.

Human nature's work here is almost done. Having successfully rationalized us away from any effort, or acknowledgment of error, it's time to apply the finishing move that concludes all human activity: the spin. So here we go: When it comes to global warming, we're not fiddling while Rome burns, we're just not afraid of change!

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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.

Hey Religious Extremists, Why is Your god Such a Wimp? (or, A Male's Guide to the Impending Lesbian Apocalypse)

I've never understood the common usage of the word macho.

To be clear, I'm referring to the dictionary definition (ultimate masculinity) and not the informal one popularized by The Village People (ultimate gayness.) The word macho is intended to define the pinnacle of tough, but it ends up representing supreme insecurity.

Understanding that contradiction, it's clear that extreme religion is precisely macho. Because I live west of the Prime Meridian, extremist Muslim behavior is more easily noticed, since Islamic tradition isn't intertwined with our culture and considered a part of just how things are. Examples of Islamic macho/insecurity may be more obvious to us Westerners, but anyone who opens their mind even slightly will notice there is little if any difference among Christianity, Islam and Judaism in the extreme.

At their distant ends, all three focus their restrictions on women. When it comes to the religious fringe, it's all dudes all the time. Yet these are the same people who are also violently homophobic.

Another paradox, yes, and it gets worse. Even the gods of extremism reflect the bi-polar nature of macho. A classic example is when the Taliban claimed they had to destroy Buddhist statues in Afghanistan because the statues were just too much for the mighty Allah to gaze upon. (Link.)

Now I'm just a mortal, but I'm proud of the fact that I'm secure enough not to demand my friends blow up anyone who doesn't worship me. Hey, that's their loss!

So here's my question for religious extremists: If your god is such a badass, why does he need mortals like you to fight his battles? Why is your god scared of statues? Or cartoons? Or same-sex love and marriage? Or women thinking, saying and doing what they want?

Silly extremists! Either your faith in your god's power is lacking or your god is a total wimp.

Actually, we all know the real reason for macho's split-personality, why men (and male-like gods) talk tough but act fragile. I'll break the rules and say it out loud: Because females have all the power. They can do anything a male can except make sperm.

That's not to say I would complain if the world was taken over by women and we men were used simply for sperm harvesting. To the more sultry and flexible of our female conquerors, I say harvest away! Sadly, with advances in reproductive technology, even sperm isn't necessary.

A lot of reports and studies appear to support the idea that extremism is on the rise. How much is being fueled by insecure men, aware of their accelerating (or already present) obsolescence? I swear it's only a matter of time before lesbians take over. Name me a single lesbian that isn't damn good at what she does. You can't do it! That's right, men. We are biologically useless! Accept it! Or make a fool of yourself by acting macho.

One who works against the efforts of power-hungry people of their same "race" are often referred to as race traitors. So, being a male who admits to male pointlessness, does that make me a sex traitor?

I hope so, because frankly, I'm down with that. Oh wait, I thought you said trader. Dang it.

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Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.